April 1, 2024
Ahh, consistency. The hallmark of reliability, the bedrock of predictability. In the vanilla world of business blogs like this one, it's lauded as the holy grail: "Be consistent! Optimize! Scale relentlessly!" But what if I told you consistency is a trap? And what if instead of trying to improve ourselves and grow our businesses, we focused on failing? Could you undo all of the successful lessons you have acquired over the years and reach that goal faster than me? If you had to pick just one good personal trait to abandon, what would it take to go out of your way to strategically fail?
Well, don’t tell anyone but here is my secret plan:
Let's be honest, building a successful business is about as exciting as watching paint dry. Growth charts, KPIs, market research – it all sounds like homework for overachievers. Instead, why not chase the thrill of epic failure? Forget "be better," I’m going to embrace "be worse!" Once I shed all those years of pesky successful traits like a bad habit (and I do mean bad), I’ll unlock my true potential for strategic business failure. Here's the beauty of inconsistency: it opens a world of unknown possibilities, a kaleidoscope of wrong turns guaranteed to keep me far, far away from the dreaded land of success. Let's unpack my new golden rule of inconsistency with some practical applications:
1. No personal routine is a good routine:
Sure, right now I eat the same healthy breakfast, at the same time, then workout, and ride my bike. But what a boring way to plod through life feeling good and having lots of energy all at the expense of not eating a few Lucky Charms or Bear Claws. That’s where the real adventure is! So many people are talking about using sugar and caffeine to keep them propped up that it must be the way to go. Getting to bed on time and sleeping well? That’s overrated too. I’m sure I could make up for the focused work I usually do in the morning after I bonk around 2:00 and take a nap. Heck, Aristotle was a self-professed napper so why can’t I join the club?
2. Valueless-added service:
Right now, I prefer to give my important clients who choose to partner with me with respect and support for their goals. I’m the epitome of Southern hospitality. But maybe I don’t need to act this way all the time, right? They know me and will accept the fact that sometimes I might just ghost their urgent e-mail. Why not, I’m busy too! You know what, in May I’ll just buy that latest AI software to auto-respond using sarcastic robots programmed to frustrate even the most patient customer. This will keep them on their toes, never knowing what kind of experience awaits them on the other end of the line. My new emotional rollercoaster concept will ensure they never get too comfortable, let alone recommend me to another business owner.
3. Unfocused business vertical:
Today I am known for being an organized process-related business consultant, next week I think I’ll be the purveyor of artisanal organic dog biscuits. What about next month? Maybe I can develop another one of those fancy high-octane energy drinks for extreme athletes. My key goal will be to never settle on a target audience, a brand identity, or even a product category. Consistency is for dull businesses. I am striving for the refreshing incoherence of a schizophrenic marketing campaign, leaving my customers utterly bewildered and delightfully confused. Specialists are wimps anyway. I mean, if heart surgeons actually put in a little effort, they could be replacing knees too… so why should I specialize?
4. Egotistical leadership:
Without consistency, I can be the Benevolent Dictator I’ve always wanted and map out an array of behaviors that I can deploy on random days. Brilliant! On Mondays (some weeks) I will be a Micromanaging Tyrant, breathing down everyone’s neck. Structure on its own is not enough; people need to be told what’s up at all times. On Tuesdays on odd months, I’ll be Mr. Generous and dole out genuine support like candy bars on Halloween. Wednesday and Thursday will be a crap shoot and I’ll call myself Professor Potluck. That’s what this inconsistency stuff should be all about, so there you go! On Fridays, I’ll pull out the ever-popular Absent Owner card and leave them all adrift in a sea of uncertainty. Maybe everyone will learn how to think on their own for once.
5. Positively no preparation:
Before I had this great idea to switch up my life-long professional strategy and be inconsistent, I did whatever it took to prepare for meetings. Like an idiot, I would put in long hours behind the curtain without anyone seeing what it took to run my business. I’d read or listen to as many books and podcasts on how to improve my clients' businesses and take notes like a chump, thinking that someone could benefit from this effort. No more. If I don’t know everything I need by now, I’m sure I’ll never be the best. Life-long learning will probably result in being a life-long loser but I’m getting off of that train at the next stop.
Oh yes, the sweet symphony of failure. After manifesting this plan, I can already hear the orchestra playing my tune. This, of course, is the mantra I learned at the School of Spectacular Failure. We celebrate the glorious absurdity of inconsistency, the intoxicating freedom from any semblance of a plan. We understand that the road to spectacular failure is paved with good intentions, a lack of employee clarity, and a healthy dose of confusion.
So, dear reader, if you're tired of the same old, same old, and if the prospect of a successful business leaves you cold, then join me! Embrace the power of inconsistency by throwing out any process documents you have and letting me guide you toward the glorious precipice of epic business failure. After all, who wants to be successful when you can be spectacularly, hilariously, undeniably bad?
[Disclaimer: The advice in this satirical blog post is for entertainment purposes only. To achieve actual business success, I recommend the exact opposite of what I've outlined here. Please consult a qualified business process specialist, like Jason and receive genuine advice.]
Your actual takeaway slogan: Remember, consistency doesn't guarantee your success, but not being consistent WILL guarantee that you are not successful. It is the only prerequisite you need.
